hanukkah guide

to be honest, neither of us know when hanukkah is, or how it is spelled. this holiday isn't going to catch on if you guys don't agree on a spelling and a set time to have this thing every year. also, it doesn't sound very fun. so i've outlined a few things below to jazz up this boring holiday. 100% kosher!

night 1: unpack old dusty menorah. then, bedazzle the hell out of it.
night 2: arrange 20-30 dreidels on the floor so your dad steps on them! hilarious!
night 3: latke-discus throwing competition.
night 4: listen to matisyahu cd loud as fuck!
night 5: uh....god damn there are still three more nights of this. uh, yahtzee? is that jewish? it sounds jewish.
night 6: get really drunk and repeat events from nights 1-5. watch seinfeld.
night 7: bake marijuana into those chocolates that look like gold coins. distribute.
night 8: return all the bad presents you got. un-bedazzle menorah, pack away for next year. pick up all the dreidels left on the floor, throw onto neighbors' roof.

(purple ice cream motorcycle does not wish to offend our jewish readers. all in good fun.)