overheard in 526 - summer edition

"whats your obsession with michael nutter?"

"i hate a lot of people but its not usually mutual"

"i'm sorry if they're not screeching and banging on weasels"

Film Review: Jack Frost (1996)

In this film a truck transporting a death row serial killer collides with a truck carrying chemicals mixed by a top secret government agency interested in mixing human DNA with organic materials. The killer predictably becomes a super powerful snowman that can switch between snow and water at will and is out to ruin the life of the sheriff that busted him.

During his unintentionally humorous killing spree (see pictures above) there is a scene where he rapes/murders a teenage girl played by shannon elizabeth as she is bathing. Definitely the most memorable/funny scene of the movie, Jack morphs from her bathwater into a snowman (minus the carrot nose. hmmm) and uh...yeah... When he finishes up he delivers one of many clever one-liners throughout the film: "christmas came early this year"

There are roughly eight times in the second half of the movie when the townspeople think they have killed Jack but finally they figure out the only way to kill him is with...get this...antifreeze! BAHAHAHA

This film is beyond bad. Go see it ASAP

Stories from people in Phila that want your $$$

Over the past year we're heard some pretty mind-blowing stories from people bumming money. Their strategy seems to be looking as normal as possible and delivering a very fast, long story about why they need a few dollars. The stories are rarely cohesive and seem mostly unrehearsed.

1. Guy (early 20's) hanging out in our neighborhood next to a payphone pretending to call someone:
"Yo man you got $3? Our car just ran out of gas right up the street. My girlfriend and her baby are in the car and they're hungry. You in school? What school you go to? I go to Temple. My brotha is visiting from Baltimore but we have to go get him. You got a few bucks? We got a flat tire..."

2. Man (40ish?) slowly walking around West Philly:
"Hey! Hey! Hey buddy can I borrow $6? The cops are about to boot my car. I have a laptop and a watch in the car you can have as collateral. Its just a few blocks away. I'll be right back I just gotta pay my parking tickets so they don't boot it. They're waiting for me. See, I go to the restaurant school. I, uh, I also work at this restaurant and if you come in I'll make you good food for free.

3. Guy in Chinatown, early 30s, obviously drunk: "Hey guys, listen, I need your help. I just got back from the hospital, my dad just died tonight, so I went out and got drunk. I spent all my money on alcohol and now I'm broke. I'm a US marine and I have to go meet my unit tonight to leave town or I get dishonorably discharged. Its like...uh....four blocks away and I need $3.50 to get there.

Us: "If its only four blocks away, you could easily walk there".
Him: "No, but like, I have to be there on time. We ship out at 12:30am".
Us: "Well, its 8:10pm right now, so I think you have time to walk there".

traveling

Let me start off by saying its really weird to be making a post after so long. This might be a little rought. Don is still on hiatus but I might make a few posts here and there for the fans that have been harassing us. ::cough:: eli ::cough::

I thought I would share my travel experience from yesterday when I was coming back to Phil from two days in Pittburgh. It all seemed pretty typical at the begining...My flight was almost two hours late because of the PHL airport....I guess it all got interesting when the plane began to taxi...

The HFAIC (head flight attendant in charge) was a middle-aged asian fellow with silky smooth legs. As he began to prattle about all of the safety procedures and regulations it quickly became a stand-up routine. A few of his lines:

"Please don't get rowdy or party in the lavatory"

"..blow into the red straw and you will soon have a nice little inflatable toilet seat around your neck"

"In the event that the cabin loses pressure (if this ever happened we wouldn't be here) weird little masks will fall from the ceiling. Use the mask before assisting any small children traveling with you (unless they're really cute). When you breathe into the mask the bag will not inflate - we really don't know what the bag is for- but the alcohol -excuse me oxygen- will continue to flow"

Once his mildly humorous comedy routine was over I think most people thought the flight would be pretty normal. But then as we started speeding up for take-off we began to hear music. This dude was playing R Kelly's "I Believe I Can Fly" over the loudspeaker. Then, right after take-off when we were still rapidly gaining altitude he comes on to say "Now we will be serving refreshments". People laughed because they thought he was joking. The plane was at a 45 degree angle still. But then he started rolling mini peanut bags down the aisle. And yes they rolled the whole way to the back from the front.

Everything settled down after that until he played Madonna's "Holiday" before landing and announced that we had just landed in Baltimore.

---------------------------------

Once back in Phil things started to feel normal again. I boarded the train to center city. At one point during the ride the flights flickered and two dudes in the back immediately screamed "oh shit!!" at the top of their lungs.

One of the train's crew was talking to some woman about a BBQ that was taking place over the weekend. She said she had a costume to wear (Not sure what type of holiday bbq requires a costume) to which he replied "I'm wearin mah birthday suit. Mah favorite costume!" "Ew, you nasty!" was the response.

Thats when I knew I was back.

Important News

hello everyone,

you may have noticed the severe lack of blog updates recently. we are under investigation by the department of homeland security and have been forced to go underground. its a long story. our computers have been confiscated, so we can only post from the library, where there is a 30 minute time limit, or from those computers at truck stops that charge your credit card and do not work. so we can't say when you can expect new jokes, but do not worry. we will keep fighting the good fight. we will not quit. we will not make tired rocky references. eventually, we will be back, better than ever. also, if anyone knows a good magician with reasonable rates, have him or her get in contact with us.

that is all.

April Fools!

i stopped posting for like a month! gotcha! oh man that was so good. you were totally not expecting that! fucking laugh goddammit! whatever dudes.

Hillary = Rocky (huh?)

We here at PICM have been following the Democratic race pretty seriously. If you have too you are probably aware that at a recent rally outside of Philadelphia Hillary Clinton compared herself to Rocky and played the theme song. This in itself is pretty hilarious but whats even better is some of the comments people posted under the article about it on the New York Times website.

Rocky loses at the end.
— Posted by Susan B. Anthony

Hillary is a fool
— Posted by Sylvester Stallone

As a matter of fact Rocky lost that game.
To a black man.
— Posted by Harry Reems

I’m fine with this, as long as she is aware that she gets counted out at the end. It’d be great to see her working over frozen sides of beef, too. — Posted by c greene

Why shouldn’t Hillary Clinton relate naturally to Rocky Balboa?
They’re both largely fictional characters, after all.
— Posted by Matt Brosseau

Stallone is a supporter of McCain
— Posted by Larry

I thought it was Rambo who drew the sniper fire?
— Posted by Kathie D

What will she do next: commit to putting out the coal fire, campaign in an Amish buggy, or pose for photo’s with Terry Bradshaw?
— Posted by Angry Liberaltarian

Best Guy In Philadelphia PERIOD

We did not film these clips but we HAVE seen this guy twice in the past week and he needs to be on our blog. Best guy ever. His soulful voice soothes the soul even though his whole set-up is very loud (noticeable at end of first clip). I wish I could run into this guy every day of the year. I think he should be the the Philadelphia ambassador. Watch him take off his fake leg in the second one. I hear he has a myspace account so when we find that we'll post it.

Advertisement

We have been approached by clear channel and some other corporations looking for ad spots on our blog. Let me make our position on this matter perfectly clear: We will not sell out or be undersold!

Ladies and Gentlemen.....My Coworker

I've been going through our fan mail, and an overwhelming number of readers want to know more about my coworker. Here's a little bit of what he's done in the last three days.

-told me that i'm a "computer whiz" because i printed out an excel sheet for him
-suggested that we hang a picture of him in the hallway
-hid behind our potted plants and made one of them "tell me" that it needed to be watered
-referred to Philadelphia's mayor as Michael "Peanut Nutter"
-claimed that putting homeless people to sleep was more humane than making them sleep on the street
-pretended that his stapler was a phone and "answered" it. it was for me.
-said that he was in the witness protection program
-took credit for the times square bombing
-argued with me that bob dole is still a senator. he is not.
-told me that my new office was the storage closet, and that if i got thirsty i could drink from the hot water heater
-told our boss that i smoke cigarettes in the train station below city hall where bums hang out. (we were told earlier not to smoke directly in front of the building)
-said that he was going to trenton to get a sandwich. he said he had gone to washington dc earlier that morning
-pretended to jump out of a window to commit suicide. (our office is on the third floor)
-told me several times that there was "some guy outside looking for me". one time it was a guy dressed in an elmo costume

i swear i'm not making any of this up.

New Allegations In Roommate Scandal

Saxton Strikes Back

The feud continued here today in a Philadelphia courtroom as Stephen Saxton fired back at accusations from his roommate, Andrew Defrance. Saxton alleged that today that his roommate has a curious habit of always peeing with the toilet seat down, and also that he complained when Saxton touched his butt while he was washing dishes.

Defrance quickly issued a response through his lawyer, saying that he didn't think the peeing issue was a big deal, as he "has good aim" and he "never really bothered to think about it anyway". He also commented on the butt touching. "My only problem was that I was trying to do our bi-monthly dish washing and this guy is rubbing my ass. He was only wearing boxers and his wang was all flapping around. It was slowing me down". He added that the accusations were probably due to Saxton's anger at there being no more mayonnaise left in the apartment and said that he got over the situation later when he bought yet another bike part.

The county court suggested that the two resolve the issues themselves. A district judge has chalked up the situation to a case of "boys will be boys".

Although there doesn't appear to be an end in sight, the pair still seem to be the best of friends. Hugging was reported when Saxton returned from his night class. Defrance later tucked Saxton into bed before going off to do "all kind of things" before passing out at 3am with his light on.

Two articles in the newspaper today

Drumstick Sales Way Up, Reports Nestle
Local Wawa struggles to meet demand

The Nestle company, a leading provider of sweets, has announced today that its sales of Drumstick brand ice cream cones have increased by almost 75%. What is puzzling the company, however, is that all of these sales are limited to one Wawa store in Philadelphia. This has caused Nestle to make deliveries of the dessert two times each day to meet the high demand. Although the employee working the register when reporters visited would not comment as he was too busy whistling, there did not appear to be any customers buying the Drumsticks.

Nestle representatives said that the Drumstick has been a very popular item due to its perfectly engineered layers of chocolate and ice cream wrapped in a crunchy cone. Still, they said, sales have never been this good. "The only thing I could compare this to would be the great Ice Cream Freak visit of 2007", said representative Nicholas Anderstein.

The incident being referred to occurred in late summer last year on the Jersey Shore, when local ice cream vendors reported a 600% increase in sales over a two day period. This incident was widely attributed to a man locals called "The Ice Cream Freak".

Nestle is baffled, but excited by the increase in sales. "Its just incredible, Anderstein said, "I mean, who even eats ice cream in the winter?"



Man Not As Fun on Mondays and Tuesdays, Reports Roommate

Authorities were shocked at new allegations today that a local man is not as fun on Mondays and Tuesdays. The man in question, Stephen Saxton, lives in the Fairmount section of Philadelphia. Charges were brought against him in court today by his roommate, Andrew Defrance. Defrance claims that Saxton "bores him to death" on those nights of the week despite his best efforts to say or wear something funny.

"Seriously, I know he has schoolwork to do those nights, but its like he loses his sense of humor completely and doesn't listen to anything you say. Well, I guess that part is the same, but otherwise, its like I don't even know him." Saxton is also charged with listening to every song in his itunes folder and repeatedly patting himself on the back for making models for his architecture classes. "He is also usually shirtless", Defrance added.

"Yeah, its pretty much true", reported his long time girlfriend, who declined to give her name. "He acts all annoyed when I call him on those nights."

When asked to comment, Saxton said, after we repeated the question a few times, "Get over yourself".

Steve's Guide to Criticizing People

Even though he spends 99% of his time walking around the apartment in just his underwear and has been known to refer to himself as "hot", Steve can be a modest guy. Last week I realized that he is quite good at criticizing and mocking people. He is shy about this talent, however, so I have outlined some of his tips for you.

Appearances- This is usually the first thing you will notice. Sometimes you get an easy one, like the guy I saw yesterday wearing a raincoat and cowboy boots with spurs on them. Its not always that easy, but look hard, people are usually wearing something stupid. You can say something like, "look at me, I'm a crackhead cowboy!"

Things They Say- Even if they are dressed ok, people will usually say something ignorant or untrue or just stupid if you listen long enough. It is funniest to then mimic their vocal style if they had a distinct voice or ghetto accent or something. Steve likes to use a general "doofus voice" for everyone.

Things They Do- If you wait outside Wawa on a weekend night, its pretty much guaranteed that you will see some asshole doing something stupid, whether its tripping up the stairs, honking and yelling shit, or being drunk and loud and trying to find food or a taxi. You can then pretend to trip on the stairs, or yell something back, or use one of the the other techniques to mock them. For example, "Huh huh, hey, look at me, I'm so wasted and I'm gonna trip up these stairs and go into Wawa for a sub and then look for a cab 'cuz I'm too drunk to walk"

Be Over-the-top Nasty- Steve's favorite tactic. He usually saves a good zinger to use at a crucial moment. These are usually profanity-laden, but very effective for conveying that someone is terrible and unworthy of existence. These often have a natural disaster theme. Example- "Go drown in a volcano you piece of shit" or "Why don't you die in a fire."

Ouch. those really sting.

Oscar Upsets

We couldn't watch the Oscars on tv, so I was reading the official Oscars website, and i came across some obscure categories. Some were very surprising. For example, Kazaam won several awards despite not having come out in 2007. Some of these included:

Largest shirt collar used in a scene - Kazaam
Best rap performance by a basketball player and an annoying little kid - Kazaam
Most magical -Kazaam

A few others caught my attention. This was truly an unpredictable year in cinema!


Best performance by a drunk fan with a trumpet who wipes his ass with the other team's jersey:
-Hockey Fights

Most bandannas worn in a single film:
-Hulk Hogan, Suburban Commando

Best use of quacking in a scene:
-D2 the Mighty Ducks, Championship Game against Team Iceland Scene

Best use of the same song over and over and over again in a film:
-Whatever that stupid song was called, Kikujiro (highly recommended!)

Best supporting motorcycle:
-Purple Rain

Worst movie Steve bought at the thrift shop:
-Clifford

Worst narration of random ass sports like tennis and golf by a guy in his home theater with movie posters on the walls:
-The Year in Sports 1981

ideas for rappers

it seems like hip hop artists are always looking for new things to "shake", aka thinly veiled metaphors for shaking one's ass while in the club. so i wanted to help them out by thinking of some other things one could theoretically shake. maybe one will help you write the next big hit:

shake it like (a) ____________

"bottle of snapple so all the weird flakes of stuff at the bottom get mixed in" (oj can be substituted)
"shoe with a rock in it"
"handful of dice before your turn in monopoly so no one thinks you're cheating"
"you got swimmer's ear"
"flag on flag day because you're an ignorant patriot who probably likes nascar"
"weird salad in a cup you bought at mcdonalds 'cuz you're healthy"
"jerkoff motion with your hand to suggest that you don't really care about something"
"your idiot kid because you're an abusive parent and your kid will end up in jail anyway"

Overheard at my office part 2

"Hey andy, i'll be back in a few minutes, I'm gonna go do some heroin".

"I saw a lot of gay life when I was stationed out in San Francisco. That's not for me, man. I only do women and animals".

-Both said by same person mentioned in previous post.

Winter/Spring 2008 Internship

Purple Ice Cream Motorcycle has decided to take on 1-2 interns to help us with the blog and learn about the business. The lucky candidate will not actually write any entries, or get paid, but will learn valuable comedy techniques and other life skills. Duties will include, but will not be limited to:

-Cleaning filthy bathrooms
-Determining where "that smell" is coming from. (today it was a bag of 5 month old potatoes under the sink)
-Window repair
-Telling Steve where all his misplaced things are (includes reminding him to take his house keys)
-Mouse care
-Food shopping (the list is only about 4 things)
-Getting me coffee at all hours of the night
-Covering Steve in 5-10 random blankets/sweatshirts before he goes to bed. Also turning out his light
-Fixing bicycles
-Removing empty packages of food from the refrigerator
-Getting all the beer cans out of our beds
-Reminding us to shower

And being generally criticized/ridiculed by Steve on a daily basis. We are accepting applications now! College credit if accepted by your school. If interested, please email helpmefindmyhat@yahoo.com

Overheard in Philadelphia #49

Shitty looking couple walking past Dominos late last night:

Guy: "Oh hey, lets get a "hot and ready"'

Girl: "Why are we going in here? for a hot and ready? Whats that, wait what is this place, hot and ready? thats what its called? oh, what is this, pizza? this is a pizza place? oh, dominos? this is pizza right? they have hot and ready? thats what you want? you said hot and ready, right?"

this girl was a fucking idiot and seriously asked all those questions within a matter of ten seconds. and what the fuck is a hot and ready anyway?

Philadelphiunz Award Show - Sneak Peak

The Oscars are coming later this month and if you're like us at PICM this means absolutely nothing to your life. With you in mind we have decided to conduct our own local awards presentation. It has no commercial interruptions and no one will cry because they take their career too seriously. Without further ado here is a sneak peak at some nominations:

Best Phonebooth

Worst Mural

Most Confusing Over-Sized Board Game

Worst Sculpture

so you want to be a sports fan but you're not sure where to start?

hockey / soccer - each team tries to move an object into the other team's "goal". this is seldom accomplished in a contest. one of the sports is played on frozen water, so thats pretty funny.

basketball - same idea as above except there is way too much scoring for the sport to be interesting.

football - football is so complicated that 80% of americans don't completely understand the rules. recently it was agreed that further complications were necessary so quotas were given to each team for challenging the referee's judgment (only on certain types of calls & plays). football players party so hard during the match that they often receive penalties.

baseball - teams take turns standing in a big field. three players do stuff and occasionally the others get a turn.

Overheard at my office

"black history month? so when is white history month, huh? am i right or am i right? hahahahahahhahah"

"hey andrew did i tell you already that i got tickets to see keith urban on valentines day? 16 rows back, its gonna be great."

"obama sounds like osama to me"

"i don't care who becomes president as long as its a republican"

-all said by same person.

ugh.

is it too early to buy a halloween costume?

because i found the perfect one.

Adult Dog the Bounty Hunter Costume includes: Vinyl vest, wig, glasses, badge with chain, fingerless gloves, knife with strap.

Super Bowl Preview

This is soon right? I just heard on the radio that the New York City Football Giants will face the New England Patriots Footballing Squad. This should be a great match up with lots of tackling and falling down and steam coming out of guys heads. Lets look at a rundown of these teams.

NY Giants- I once found a sweet Giants tshirt at a thrift shop. Then the lady I was seeing at the time never gave it back to me. Some bitter memories there, but i think these Giants could still go all the way. They have an intimidating name and some great players like Phil Simms, Lawrence Taylor and someone named Alphonse "Tuffy" Leemans. I wouldn't fuck with that guy.

New England Patriots- They have a less intimidating name. "Patriots"? I'm not very scared of guys that love their country very much. They could have named their team "The Rednecks" or "The Southern Baptists" and I would be more scared. And New England is not a state I don't think. If they love America so much, why aren't they from a real place here? However, there was apparently a guy named Sam Adams on the team at one point, so I guess these guys are for real.


More Information/Rules of the Game:

The Super Bowl is an annual three-hour television show on animal planet. Or maybe E! I can't really remember so check your TV guide. It features a number of puppies playing in a model stadium with no audience, minimal commentary and instant replay shots and "bowl cam" (shots upwards through the transparent bottom of a special water bowl built into the stadium floor). A half-time show the "Bissell Kitty Half Time Show" is also included featuring a group of kittens taking the field on a large scratching post for 30 minutes.

Puppy Penalty - When a puppy relieves itself on the floor, a referee blows a whistle, calls "Illegal Motion", throws a flag over the droppings and scoops them up.

Puppies are given a wide variety of chew-toys and bones to play with, and they are free to tackle, bite, and do as they wish.

Timeouts are called if the water bowl needs to be refilled.

Superbowl Funfact: Bud Bowl VI featured the first appearance by a can of beer in the game. The can scored a touchdown, but was ejected from the Bud Bowl shortly thereafter for excessive celebration and foul language.


There is all the information you need so you don't look like an idiot at a Superbowl party. Tell 'em you get your sports news from Purple Ice Cream Motorcycle.