hockey / soccer - each team tries to move an object into the other team's "goal". this is seldom accomplished in a contest. one of the sports is played on frozen water, so thats pretty funny.
basketball - same idea as above except there is way too much scoring for the sport to be interesting.
football - football is so complicated that 80% of americans don't completely understand the rules. recently it was agreed that further complications were necessary so quotas were given to each team for challenging the referee's judgment (only on certain types of calls & plays). football players party so hard during the match that they often receive penalties.
baseball - teams take turns standing in a big field. three players do stuff and occasionally the others get a turn.
because ice cream and purple motorcycles are magic
