Even though he spends 99% of his time walking around the apartment in just his underwear and has been known to refer to himself as "hot", Steve can be a modest guy. Last week I realized that he is quite good at criticizing and mocking people. He is shy about this talent, however, so I have outlined some of his tips for you.
Appearances- This is usually the first thing you will notice. Sometimes you get an easy one, like the guy I saw yesterday wearing a raincoat and cowboy boots with spurs on them. Its not always that easy, but look hard, people are usually wearing something stupid. You can say something like, "look at me, I'm a crackhead cowboy!"
Things They Say- Even if they are dressed ok, people will usually say something ignorant or untrue or just stupid if you listen long enough. It is funniest to then mimic their vocal style if they had a distinct voice or ghetto accent or something. Steve likes to use a general "doofus voice" for everyone.
Things They Do- If you wait outside Wawa on a weekend night, its pretty much guaranteed that you will see some asshole doing something stupid, whether its tripping up the stairs, honking and yelling shit, or being drunk and loud and trying to find food or a taxi. You can then pretend to trip on the stairs, or yell something back, or use one of the the other techniques to mock them. For example, "Huh huh, hey, look at me, I'm so wasted and I'm gonna trip up these stairs and go into Wawa for a sub and then look for a cab 'cuz I'm too drunk to walk"
Be Over-the-top Nasty- Steve's favorite tactic. He usually saves a good zinger to use at a crucial moment. These are usually profanity-laden, but very effective for conveying that someone is terrible and unworthy of existence. These often have a natural disaster theme. Example- "Go drown in a volcano you piece of shit" or "Why don't you die in a fire."
Ouch. those really sting.
because ice cream and purple motorcycles are magic
