I've been going through our fan mail, and an overwhelming number of readers want to know more about my coworker. Here's a little bit of what he's done in the last three days.
-told me that i'm a "computer whiz" because i printed out an excel sheet for him
-suggested that we hang a picture of him in the hallway
-hid behind our potted plants and made one of them "tell me" that it needed to be watered
-referred to Philadelphia's mayor as Michael "Peanut Nutter"
-claimed that putting homeless people to sleep was more humane than making them sleep on the street
-pretended that his stapler was a phone and "answered" it. it was for me.
-said that he was in the witness protection program
-took credit for the times square bombing
-argued with me that bob dole is still a senator. he is not.
-told me that my new office was the storage closet, and that if i got thirsty i could drink from the hot water heater
-told our boss that i smoke cigarettes in the train station below city hall where bums hang out. (we were told earlier not to smoke directly in front of the building)
-said that he was going to trenton to get a sandwich. he said he had gone to washington dc earlier that morning
-pretended to jump out of a window to commit suicide. (our office is on the third floor)
-told me several times that there was "some guy outside looking for me". one time it was a guy dressed in an elmo costume
i swear i'm not making any of this up.
because ice cream and purple motorcycles are magic
