handy french phrases

i know some of our readers are world travelers, so i thought i'd include a few handy phrases you can say in french so you don't wind up like steve in montreal, moping around and complaining because no one speaks american.* the french phrases are first, followed by their literal english translations.

"uh pardon? where is the bathroom?" - "uh pardon me? where is there a poorly lit corner, i have to empty my hog.

"pardon! is there a good restaurant around here?" - "hey, is there an american hot dog vendor hiding around here?"

"excusemoi, i think i'm lost. is this old city?" - "excuse my american ways, stranger. a stripper sat on my cellphone and now the gps doesn't work. is there a verizon store in this foreign land?"

"pardon, is this a hostel? i'm tired." - "yo my man, i need to shack up, snooze-style and i spent your play money on labat blue. any cheap mattresses i can crash on?"

*he is aware this is not a real language.

explanation - while in montreal, my two friends thought that by saying "pardon" with a strong "o" sound like in french, or "excusemoi" in front of an english sentence, it would make french speaking people understand you. it didn't, but everyone there speaks english anyway. i don't really understand the rest of this joke either.